#OutToLunch Here is how to be a successful Ugandan businessman

#OutToLunch Here is how to be a successful Ugandan businessman

By Denis Jjuuko

Wake up every day with the media on your mind and do anything possible to appear in the media being promoted as the biggest thing ever to happen to Uganda since independence. Don’t necessarily say exactly what you do. Businessman is enough. Just dress the part and drive a nice car.

Ensure that your children, wife and even siblings live large, sometimes larger than even yourself. Their friends can throw a party at your hotel or house any time. Holidays in the most exotic of places are a must. Kids should go to school at St Andrew’s Turi or St Andrew’s in Grahamstown after which they can join some university in Europe or north America. When they return, start them some businesses and get them condos in Kololo so the parties can continue. For cars, throw in a BMW X6 or Merc with BlueTec fuel systems.

Introduce them to your friends’ children so that they marry “right.” Then join the motivational speaking circuit and give ted-talks on how to raise entrepreneurial children. Appear at Yiiya Ssente shows and castigate everyone for not being smart in their works.

Refer to the 1970s and 1980s and how life was hard. How Amin’s soldiers ransacked your mother’s stall in Wandegeya and left the family so poor that you ate one cup of porridge a week that didn’t even have sugar. Mention how you had to grow up fast so you could look after your siblings including those who were older than you.

Invoke God’s name and how lucky you have been to be where you are but also mention that it is because of integrity and honesty that you have made it in life. Speak all the good English in the world.

When you visit the bank, spend a few minutes asking the teller how much they make and whether they wouldn’t fancy a job abroad that pays five times what they earn. Once they have your ear after a few more visits, ask them to give you the money so you can process their passports and visas. Keep on asking for more money until you realize that they can’t give anymore and then abandon that branch and bank. To insulate yourself, pose for photos with some military generals!

Hold meetings only in 5-star hotels and fancy restaurants. Arrive there with a driver-cum-personal-assistant who after parking your sleek European or American brand car comes to the restaurant where you are seated and after your next victims have taken their seats to deliver your designer leather bag that has your iPad and note book embossed with the initials of your name. Order for sushi or dishes with exotic names or the most expensive stuff but ensure your bill is paid by the guys you are about to defraud.

When it comes to flying, only business class makes sense and ensure everyone gets to know about it by frequently walking from business class to economy (in planes where it is possible) to talk to someone there for a few minutes. Talk as big and loud as possible. Thrown in quotations from Warren Buffet or Jeff Bezos or Barack Obama. Mention your last meeting at State House. Have an idea about the war in Ukraine and its impact on food prices. Know a thing or two about the Kenyan elections or the depreciation of the shillings against the dollar. Take a photo with anyone with a big name you can ever meet. Create a huge following on social media.

Arrive at public fundraisers late. You are the guest of honor after all. Recall how you didn’t want to attend but your wife reminded you of how lucky you are and you felt so guilty. Mention a colossal sum of money as your family’s contribution. And as you leave, grant permission to everyone who wants a selfie.

When payment time comes after a few months of hide and seek, invite a few members of the fundraising committee to your office and inform them that the figure you mentioned was simply to spur others to contribute more. It was part of fundraising tricks used the world over, you are even surprised they didn’t know it. Swing in the chair in your wood paneled office and intercom your secretary to give these guys just 10% of what you had promised and what the newspapers had reported.

Next step is the bank or lenders with tonnes of money. Inform them about your projects, show them all your newspaper clippings. It could be a fancy hotel or soccer stadium. Make sure they are foreign. Once the money is in, cut off contact and when they go to court, use a loophole in the law that they lent you money illegally as they were not legally registered in Uganda. When you are cornered, quickly issue a statement calling them fake people who want to spoil your reputation and good name, which you swear to dying protecting.

The writer is a communication and visibility consultant. djjuuko@gmail.com

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#OutToLunch: Rampant unemployment is a key national security issue

By Denis Jjuuko The public service ministry recently announced that more than 40,000 people applied for 287 jobs across different government ministries, departments and agencies. More than 28,000 of those who applied qualified, meaning they were selected for aptitude tests which were to be held at the Mandela National Stadium at Namboole. It must be frustrating looking for job in Uganda. The news came after a bombshell report emanating from research by the Inspectorate of Government (IG) and the Economic Policy Research Centre (EPRC) that indicated that Ugandans pay a whopping Shs42.34b annually to district service boards to get jobs. Averagely, the report indicated, 130,000 people pay bribes to land jobs. The people who ask for these bribes know that the jobs are scarce and people are desperate and willing to do anything to land the jobs. When somebody who bribed their way to a job gets employed, it means a few things. First, the person is not the best for the job. They just had the money to pay a recruiter. The best candidate may not have had the money and therefore wasn’t considered. Because the person knows they only got the job through bribery, they will continue bribing their way into senior positions. That is how we end up with incompetent people in positions of authority. People who can’t execute anything and making sure things don’t work or looking at everyone who is competent as a threat or what people call work politics. The people who are competent end up doing very little at work so that the incompetent boss doesn’t feel insecure and threatened. That is how we end with yes people—they won’t advise their bosses. They will do whatever the boss wants whether it makes sense or not. Remember, there are no jobs and these people have families to feed. Rocking the boat isn’t something that they want to do. Second, the people who bribed their way to jobs will only hire those who pay them a bribe. That way you end up with a corrupt layer at every level and an incompetent lot everywhere. Service delivery is impacted. Government then fails to create jobs that young people can apply for and get on merit. Third, because the public service is corrupted, the private sector suffers too. People can’t start and run businesses professionally. The people who are in positions because they paid a recruiter will endlessly try to get a return on their investment (read bribe). Procurement processes will be compromised. Payment for services and goods delivered will be frustrated unless somebody is paid. The bribery doesn’t end at public service. We recently saw many statements from politicians who lost elections for positions in their political parties claiming their rivals won through bribery. Some wondered why people were bribing for positions that were actually “voluntary.” We hear that candidates for Members of Parliament in some constituencies spend more money than they would get in the five years they would spend in the office should they win. If somebody spends more money than they would be officially paid, it means they are doing so to illegally get something. Somebody who sells their house to get money for election will do anything to get their house back. That is how we end up without jobs and seeing young energetic people leaving the country for the Middle East not to do highly technical jobs but menial ones or being trafficked for sex like we recently heard from a BBC investigation. Government has been saying that they are intending to grow the economy to US$500 billion annually. Great stuff but with rampant corruption, it will be a tall order. There is a need to nip corruption in the bud in order to create sustainable jobs for the working age population. Otherwise, we shall continue to see thousands of people filling up soccer stadiums to apply for a few jobs they know they stand no chance of getting. That is what they call desperation. And desperate people can do pretty much anything. Unemployment ends up being a key national security issue that the government must urgently address. The public have a chance to play a key role here by voting people in 2026 not because they bribed them with a t-shirts or some cheap alcohol but those who can address the challenges they face such as unemployment. The writer is a communication and visibility consultant. djjuuko@gmail.com

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#OutToLunch: What employees should know before launching a side hustle

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Bars, salons, and restaurants require a lot of time when starting which you may not have as you have to concentrate on your job as well. Also, workers in such sectors are unreliable. You don’t know which day they will not turn up. Or when they will sell a crate of beer and replace it creating an impression there are no customers. Still, you don’t want to stay awake in a kafunda so that a few men not eager to get home can finish their beer and leave to enable you close the day’s operations. Cash payments: Avoid side businesses where most of the payments are made in cash. You don’t know when the workers will disappear with it. Most side hustles are small and may not have systems to protect revenues especially in the beginning. Side businesses where people pay in the bank are better. There you can protect your revenue. I know there are mobile money payment codes these days but there are still a few issues with them to be fully embraced. Small is beautiful: All business plans show profitability at one stage. Also, however much research you do, there will always be stuff you will only learn when doing the business. Start small and allow yourself to learn the trade. Don’t throw all your life savings in a business at the beginning. Don’t borrow to start. If you are to borrow, maybe from family. Start with your savings or pool money with others. Six months rule: Before you quit your job to fully concentrate on the side hustle, instruct your bank to send 100% of your salary to an investment account or unit trusts or bonds. Don’t touch this money. Now, see if you can rely on the side hustle for six months. Pay all business and personal expenses from the business. That way you will know if the business is profitable or if you have been subsidizing it with your salary. That way you will avoid looking for a job a few months of leaving one. 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#OutToLunch: Unambitious delayed projects, potholes creating a self-doubting population

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